Boy's Dormitory 2 (Lucius, Barty, Salazar, Amycus) [R]

Lucius blinks. "Well...Yeah. Couldn't have said it better myself. That is just...the best plan ever, don't ya think!?"

"Lucius, let's get this straight. I'm not dropping out, I am going to be a death eater, I'll be your sex slave while you marry her, and then I'll get jealous, want to win your love, and then I'll decide that the way to your heart is with this really shiny solid gold locket that used to belong to Salazar Slytherin, so I'll go into this cave in the middle of nowhere to get it, and I'll get attacked by inferi and then I'll die at the ripe age of nineteen, ALL FOR YOU. DOES THAT SOUND GOOD TO YOU MATE?!"

"REGULUS! OH MY GOD!" His hands move to his heart for Lucius is truly touched. "That was so beautiful! I'm touched, really I am. You'd do all that for me!? Really!? Oh Regulus," he says dramatically before throwing his arms around his pet's neck and snogging him senseless.

Regulus has now been snogged senseless so obviously he just nods and snogs him back until they end up fucking all over again and Reg is screaming "OH, LUCIUS! MORE! HARDER!" all night long and it's all fun and games until Lucius brings out the whip but then Lucius is all like WELL YOU'RE MY SLAVE NOW, I MEAN, I'M SUPPOSED TO WHIP YOU! So Reg is all, oh, well then, I guess it's cool, so he's like whip whip and he's like oh! oh! And then the sex is done and we're right back where we started this post, with Reg on a leash and Lucius being all, well, snog snog.

Are we doing awards for the end of 1.0? Because if we are, I nominate this for best smut scene.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BUT I FORGOT, AND I WON'T HAVE MY LAPTOP ALL WEEK...
BUT IF I WERE, THIS WOULD SO WIN.

Lucius finishes with the snogging 20 minutes later. Now he's keeping a close hold on the leash. Can't have his pet running away on him now. Nope. "Right. I still say we should get married and your cousin can just be my dance partner," he says wondering when round three comes in because if Regulus isn't dead yet then Lucius is pretty sure that they'll be able to keep this up for another week or so. Now he's humming 'I Kissed Reg Black and I Liked It.'


OMG YES HAHAAHAHAHAHAH

Awww. Oh well. Obviously I can't actually whip anything cool up at work, but here ya go:

"Do you think my mum will let us? I mean, with a name like Walburga, you know she's a bloody bitch," he said, rolling his eyes. "Also, I'm like, so not running away, because if I leave this dorm and go to my dorm while on a leash, Gellert is so gonna rape me, and I totally would rather get raped by you because you won't like drug me and shit, right? So, right. Totally staying. Also, if we get married, I am SO not wearing a dress."

"Look at me! I'm so pretty that it just works, OKAY!? I get everything I want. EVERYTHING! And no, you won't wear a dress. You'd look silly. I'll pick out an outfit for you. I have lots of nice clothes. Lots of nice clothes. Walburga? What the fuck, man? That's a fucked up name right there. Make sure you don't hang a portrait of her in your house because that shit will never shut up. ALSO! You are not leaving! I will not share you with Gellert and I will not drug you and rape you! Because drugs are for muggles, and it's not rape if you like it...EXAMPLE!"
Lucius proceeds to climb on top of Regulus and fuck him senseless all over again because third time's the charm. "OH REGULUS BLACK," he screams as he fucks Regulus silly. "WILL YOU DO ME THE HONOR OF BECOMING MR. REGULUS MALFOY AND BEING MY HUSBAND FOR THE REST OF FOREVER SO WE CAN HAVE HOT SEX LIKE THIS EVERY FUCKING NIGHT AND BE HAPPY FOREVER AND EVER!?" Well that was the best fucking wedding proposal ever. So now he's done and he snuggles up to Regulus. "I love your arse soooo much, Reggie," he says, forgetting to give Regulus THE RING!

"OH LUCIUS WHY YES I WILL BECOME MISTER REGULUS MALFOY, OH YES-- YES, OH YES!!!" Oh right so now they're all done and snuggling. "Wait, don't I even get a ring? And here I am thinking you won't be cheap, 'cause you're a Malfoy and all. THAT'S JUST BULL, MAN. I mean, look at this shit, we'd be like, the millionth couple to get married on this site, and I don't even get a fucking ring? I'm a fucking pureblood, bitch."

'OH MY GAWDS, YOU'RE RIGHT I AM SO SORRY DARLING!" Lucius scrambles over Regulus all naked and shit. He hops off the bed, takes a step and falls flat on his face. "Dammit. Stupid charm," he mumbles into the carpet. "HUSBAND! HELP ME FIGURE OUT THE COUNTER CURSE SO I CAN WALK OVER AND GET YOU YOUR RING!"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? I'M SUPPOSED TO MARRY YOU, AND YOU CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT THE COUNTERCURSE? YOU ARE THE WORST PIRATE MALFOY I HAVE EVER SEEN!" Regulus rolls his eyes, grabs his wand, and says "Unjellify! There. Now get me a fucking ring, and it better be awesome, or this is so over. You are the worst pirate Malfoy EVER!"

"BUT REGULUS! YOU COMPLETE ME! DON'T YOU SEE!? AND I AM THE BEST MALFOY! THINK ABOUT IT. WOULD YOU RATHER BE WITH THE LITTLE SHIT OR THE ONE WHO'S OFF AT PIGFARTS, HM? NOW TAKE IT BACK OR NO RING! AND. NO. SEX."

"HEY, THE ONE AT PIGFARTS WAS REALLY HOT, OKAY? IT'S NOT HIS FAULT HE DATED A MUDBLOOD, I MEAN, YOU SLEPT WITH HER TOO! CLEARLY SHE'S CONVINCING! But..." Regulus sighed and kissed Lucius, "You have the best hair, okay? And you have me on a leash. And a diamond collar. So fine. I take it back. NOW THE SEX BETTER BE AMAZING, AND I DEMAND QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP TICKETS EVERY YEAR, OKAY?"

"HELL YEAH I HAVE THE BEST HAIR!" Lucius takes the ring and put's it on his naked lover's finger. "CHOCOLATE FROGS! WE'RE ENGAGED NOW! MY MUM TOLD ME TO GIVE THAT RING TO A SUITABLE BRIDE....YOU ARE SUITABLE AND OH MY GODS WE'RE ENGAGED! WE NEED TO HAVE HOT ENGAGEMENT SEX!" Lucius throws Regulus down on the bed and fucks him like there's no tomorrow while screaming "REGULUS MALFOY YOU ARE THE SECOND HOTTEST MALFOY OF ALL TIME BECAUSE YOU'RE ALMOST A MALFOY NOW AND HOT DAMN YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO WALK STRAIGHT AGAIN WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!"

...
Two hours later we're back to the snuggling

...

Regulus is fucked again. And again.
And again.

WOW THIS IS REALLY HOT SMUT, GUYS.

And then he passed out, happy as a CLAMS ARE NOT FUCKING HAPPY so as a... a... AS THIS KITTY!

BEST SMUT EVER

Lucius passes out on top of his fiance and sleeps all through the day because they spent all night fucking.

....TOTAL OMFG WTFH MOMENT AND IT WAS WORTH IT HOW BADASS!! HOW RANDOM!! WHAT UTTER FUNNY SHIT!!!